(These are out of order, scroll down below for 1, and 3. Best understood if read in order, but I can’t seem to order them, even though I had them ordered from last to first when I posted. My apologies. Oh, and a friendly warning, my verbosity is showing, as I was processing as I wrote.)
Why is there still power in this ugly thing, and why do I care what people think or say?
God has dealt with my people-pleasing nature a long time ago. And I thought I was done, or close to done. Hmmmm.
Oh! Next level of learning, new chapter of the story, new grade to reach for! He’s not finished with me yet, and He’s not leaving me where I am. Thank God!
It is a relief to know that. I get to become more of who I want to be. A person unaffected by the opinions of others, a person free from the past, a person free from wounds and heartache, a person who has more of the fruit of the Holy Spirit. More and more fruit until I am dripping in sweet nectar for others to taste and know that God is good! Because He is good. Always.
When He’s correcting or convicting it is not mean or cruel. It is for our own good, for everyone’s good. He is too loving not to convict and correct.
It can be painful for a moment, but leads to freedom and healing, to growth, life and a nature that is more like His. And this is my greatest desire. To be more like Jesus, and like our Heavenly Father.
Several years ago I was dealt some serious blows, death-blows but God doesn’t let them kill us.
I was okay at first, in each of these blows, at least for that time. But then over time I unravelled. Additionally, loss of health insurance led to loss of medication and health care, which led to my already tenuous health issues growing worse by the day, which led to extreme fatigue and weakness, which led to more people talking about me, the combo all of which led to me withdrawing, which I know is wrong.
But honestly, I just wasn’t up to dealing with people issues. Say anything you want. I wasn’t up to it. I was flattened. Then more blows, which led to wounds, etc, etc.
My physical is just now becoming able to even collect thoughts and put them down. I can sometimes chat with people voice to voice, and occasionally be together with one at a time. I certainly was not up to leadership in any level, no matter what people have thought God wanted. Nor was I up to a lot of gathering together during a week. I’ve left a lot of people disappointed and hurt during this time, but I just couldn’t be what I had been.
So, with all the combined nonsense of health of my spirit, soul and body, I just avoided my usual “attack it head on” way of dealing with things. Which led to more people talking, more people saying things to me and about me, and more avoidance and occasional irritability.
Along the way, I’ve had “breakthroughs” on some issues that raised up, and that has been good and healing. Some of these needed extreme focus on forgiveness and love-them-as-they-are with situations that came along with the wounds. But now, it is time for this one.
How to deal with mornings again? I must! I must as if it were my job. How to deal with health issues that affect time spent with people? How to deal with allergies? How to deal with my “system” as I call it?
I only know that if God is bringing it up right now, then it is time. It is time to get past this whole wounded area of my life and not let any health problem, sleep schedule, weakness, wound or emotion stop me. Period. He will make me able. I believe that even though I responded right at those times where wounds came in, band-aids were put on and it is time for their removal, for the cleaning out and deep healing to happen. It wasn’t the right time. Or maybe not the right people around me. Whatever the reason, now it is God calling.
Please don’t be discouraged if God hasn’t healed you of deep pain in your life, or if your reputation has been sullied, whether by yourself or others. (Sometimes those words people speak of us have some truth in them.)
There is a time for the healing. A perfect time. A time of release of joy after sorrows. A time of His strengthening you to the task. I know it is true. Not only because His word says so, but because He has never failed me in this. Ever.
What triggered all of this? A facebook chat with a dearly-loved friend of mine. A champion in forgiving, loving and prayer. There was a moment when she hit a nerve in something that goes right along with what happened to me over and over for so many years, since my earliest childhood in family, schools, several groups and places.
I did my best to respond to her in truth about what I consider a gross deception that has been fed to people, including the churches. Something that stems from truth and God’s word, but has been added to and twisted and ends up not being truth at all. I tried to not wound her, either. She had no intention of hurting me, and truly she didn’t hurt me. The nerve was up and ready to be bumped. She had no idea what she stepped in. Poor thing!
But, she does believe what I have learned isn’t fully true. It’s an extreme doctrine that I have zero tolerance for as it isn’t truth and leaves many victims in its wake. Not just me, countless thousands and maybe more. In a way, it is a scam that has infiltrated the masses. So, I tried to be loving as I stated that I am not going to play into that. She has her responsibilities in an area that we were talking about in the first place, and I made sure she knew I honor her position in that and don’t disrespect her.
But, I am still not playing into the wrong doctrine. It is too destructive. I hope I didn’t hurt her with my reaction, as I shot my statements to her in type very quickly. I didn’t mean to, that’s for sure. I made sure she knew I wasn’t mad at her, and if I had been I would get over it. (laughing) Yep. I believe very strongly in getting over myself and not staying mad or offended.
Sometimes I am just flat wrong. And whether or not this was the case last night, love always conquers all.
After that chat 7 hours ago, I was weeping beyond control and shaking. It was a reaction that was so overblown it couldn’t have been about the chat, but about the root of the wound that is so deep. As I chatted in a chat box on fb with my sister later, (we chat nearly every night) I was still weeping and shaking. We were chatting about our online games in our own made-up language, made of our typos over time. The weeping stopped quickly. My sister-time does that for me.
My friend’s comments had hit a core or root issue in me. Maybe even a tap-root. It definitely wasn’t this young lady I was upset at, nor was I angry at her, or any person.
My band-aids had gotten ripped off suddenly after being on there for decades, some for a lifetime. Ouchie! And underneath is a wound that needs debriding, cleansing, medication and time to heal.
Don’t touch it! That’s the holler coming up from my center.
To make matters even more clear that it was of God, a friend on facebook posted this right after the chat I’d reacted to. Well this was a link in her post of another blog, find it here: http://www.pilgrimgram.com/2007/06/clean-refrigerator-prayers.html
It is about getting to the nasty stuff lurking in us, like the science projects in our refrigerator. I like the post and recommend it.
Right after that, on facebook, KLOVE posted this:
sigh! Okay! Okay! I hear You! (Huge smile)
I have finally, a half hour ago stopped shaking physically, though I wasn’t upset at all within a few minutes of the chat. It is that deep and huge.
I hate the sneak attack when something hits you out of the blue like that. It can hit its target without any resistance at all! Do you hate that, too? I know this “sneak attack” was by my God, Jehovah Sneaky ( a made-up name, not Biblical), but it sure caught me off guard!
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
Ever been there?
I’m glad God loves me!