Posted by: shelleyjo's life beat | November 14, 2008

Freak Out!

You know, I have always realized that I am quite heavy, downright fat and have been for most of my life. I did have seven or eight years of anorexia and was successful in becoming a very small person for those years, but it was not a pleasurable experience at all. (More on that part of my life later.)

The thing is, as I have been preparing to make mini scrapbooks (exploding boxes, actually) for some young neices and nephews, I have realized just what I have been looking like for the past couple of decades, and it makes me cry! It’s downright obscene!

Truly, I don’t feel like I look. I feel healthier than I ever did at a younger age. I feel somewhat heavy but strong in most ways, and very youthful. I shower every single morning, condition my hair, style it, take good care of my skin, that sort of thing.

I feel good. I just don’t have any kind of mental connection with the person staring at me from the photos, especially of the ones I am taking with my camera phone, or other recent ones.

The funny part is that I bruise regularly because I am always feeling like I can fit through spaces I don’t fit through, or try leaping over things that are just a wee bit too high for me.

I have always thought of myself as clumsy, but now I see that the world around me is committing mutiny by tightening in and elevating just as I get there!  ;O)

I look at the pictures and go, what the…?!?!?!?!?!? Who the heck is that?

Well, I am hoping that just seeing these pics will keep me motivated to keep on exercising and eating healthier even when my blood glucose levels come to the desired range. I don’t want to look like this another day. It isn’t me! Really, it isn’t.

All of you who have seen me this way for so many years probably don’t know me, the me in here under all this baggage. It is time to shake free and come out of hiding.

Actually, you know the me that is my personality, but you don’t know what I really look like. I guess it will be an unfolding as it goes along. I know what I feel I look like, the picture in my mind, and I wonder if that is who I will see?

It is a mystery, this journey back to me. I determine to be who I was created to be.



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