Posted by: shelleyjo's life beat | July 22, 2009

Missing Baby

I just want to share how we are doing since I had to take our kitty for her last ride Saturday.

At first, it seemed as if my honey was starting to blame me, even though he gave the word that it was time, and it was. But, he just couldn’t deal with anyone for a day or two. It is better now.

My poor honey. He is missing her more than I am, because besides being his girl, she was his friend and confidant. This has become more of a close bond in the past couple of years since he can no longer work, and has been in recovery most of the time. This put him home a lot, and she was here during those hours I was at work or out and about doing errands, or whatever.

Last evening, while we were on a ride he started to say he was over Baby, and started to cry. He was crying and trying to say, “just a minute”. It was so sweet, almost funny if it wasn’t so sad for him. After crying he was saying it wasn’t as bad and he hadn’t cried as much that day. sigh!

This afternoon I laid down to rest a bit. I had a headache and hadn’t slept enough. He came back, lay next to me and started to rest. He was being so sweet and chatting like we used to before all this hit.

Then, about 10 minutes after being quiet he just sat bolt-upright on the side of the bed, started wiping his eyes and after a few minutes began to sob. He sobbed so hard I thought he might hurl. I was rubbing his back and he was rocking back and forth, and at times bending forward or sideways and groaning. It was gutwrenching,  for both of us. But, he let me be there and touch him, which was an improvement from the past few days.

He finally said, “I miss Baby so much.” I told him I understand, and that I do too. I said I might not show it in the same way, but I feel it, too. This seemed to open him up. He talked about the worst of it being when we first come in the door. I said that is when it hits me, the most, too. She always greeted us at the door and wouldn’t leave until she knew everyone was in. Especially after the number of times we would leave and come back without him (surgeries, injuries, etc.). She began to watch for him and make sure he was coming, even if it took him 10 minutes to get upstairs from the carport.

So, we just lay next to each other and shared and cried. He thought it was ridiculous and silly of him because he hadn’t cried like this when his folks, first wife, and others had died. I told him this is different. She has been his daily companion during his roughest seasons.

Also, he even talked to her to tell me things, so she was the way he dealt with people and communicating.

It is a new and unique season for us with me being unemployed for the first time in my adult life. Not to mention how much time we have together now.

He talked about getting another kitty, and I was honest with him, but gentle. I think it is time for us to be a couple communicating with each other without “help”, and to get the bills caught up, not have vet and pet costs (Baby was in insulin, etc), deal with his pending hip replacement, my job-searching, etc.

I also felt it was time to be honest and tell him about a “kitty offer” we had yesterday. A dear friend called and told me the humane society was having a 2-for-1 sale through this month. I knew that. But, she is on to some new babies that are chocolate point Siamese. They cost more, but since there are two it would be half cost. Her husband wants the male because he is more spicy in personality. The female could go to us, and she is more docile. We are too spoiled on our terrorist-baby, and docile would seem boring to us… I think.

But, I have to tell you it is even more tempting for me than for him. Having been in the humane society Saturday and seeing all the kitties in there, then hearing about this. Oh, man! I have always favored the Siamese, and chocolate points are fabulous!!!

By now he was lying with his head on my shoulder and his face in my neck and resting peacefully.

I told him about the mom and kitten team I had met in kitty-prison Saturday. The young one may have been 3 months or so, and both mom and baby were a lovely grey, with white here and there. They both had the same white swirl around one thigh. They were shorthairs and just lovely. The baby was loving and outgoing. They hadn’t been in lock-up as long since they didn’t have the depressed and rejected/abandon expression in their eyes yet as the others did. The little one kept trying to get into my arms. It was a hard thing to leave. With the special, I could have taken both home. But then the expense of keeping and caring for 2 would have come with them.

I had Teri, my champion and determined coach with me, reminding me it is time for me to take care of me. I heard the chant regularly, “Just say no!”.  (smile)  Thanks, Teri! I needed you and you were there. You saved me from my mercy/compassion gifts. It was tough, but we did it.

But, I shared how important I think it is to heal completely from this loss before we try to plug that hole. No other creature can fill it, and distracting ourselves from the loss is not as healthy as mourning the loss and healing.

He was fine with this for now, but is just so lonely for her at times. Me, too. I shared that I find myself sliding my feet on the carpet so I won’t step on her, topping his water glass off for her on the table, hearing paper-shuffling that sounds like her, and cat-meowing makes me want to find her. I think I will see her on his lap in his recliner as he “watches” TV (dozing slack-jawed withthe remote in his hand), but most often I find I start to give her a nip of what I am fixing for dinner or breakfast and catch myself. I am watching to see if he puts his plate on the floor after a meal for her one day.

We are getting through, and truthfully better than I thought. But we have a ways to go. I am so glad he is sharing  his feelings with me this time, and not shutting me out or being tough.

It is the right season in her life, as well as ours for her to go. Ultimately, it will feel right for us to be on our own, too.

Perhaps down the road we will have another baby, but not too soon. I need to see if cleaning cat hair, dander and the litter pan from this place will help me feel healthier. We will see. If not, then I am completely open when the budget is better. The funny thing is, I really want a chocolate point Siamese, but the offer just comes too soon. Perhaps in time…

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Responses

  1. Well, when that time comes, I’d love to go on a kitty hunt with you! You know I am just as much of a kitty softy as you. It is amazing how cat’s show our emotions and fill a piece of us. It has been sad watching Onyx look for Nate and miss him. Though that has pretty much stopped now. But it saddened me for awhile.

    Love you and praying for you both.


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